INFORMATION ABOUT GRIEF AND EXPERIENCING LOSS

I wanted to make sure I placed something for you to read on this subject.  Like you I have also experienced grief and loss that has impacted my life.  I think you'll find this blog very interesting and something that will enable you to heal from the past.

H. Norman Wright

(Isaiah 53: 3, 4)

Experiencing Loss

Whether it’s loss of a job, friends, home, status, a loved one,
or a pet, all people experience loss in one way or another,
to one degree or another. Loss can make us bitter or better. Unfortunately, no one likes to talk about it very much. People seem to have an unspoken agreement with others not to talk about their losses. At times, they are not even aware of some of their losses, for the effect of the loss is very minor. Other losses, however, are felt very deeply and affect them for a lifetime. How people respond to their losses and how they allow those losses to affect them can make a difference for the rest of their lives.

        Whenever loss occurs, it is important to see it in the correct perspective so they can understand the full impact of what has happened. They must identify how the current loss impacts their present lives, as well as its effect on their thoughts about the future. Loss is not the enemy, but avoiding or ignoring a loss is. Trying to avoid a loss by hiding the feelings will only cause problems in other areas—emotionally, spiritually, or physically. Dealing with loss in a healthy manner can be a major avenue to growth and life-transforming change. With each loss comes the potential for growth, insight, and understanding. Since these results are not immediate, people often fail to see these future blessings. But they must move forward. And the way to move on is to grieve.   

Experiencing Grief

Grief is defined as “intense emotional suffering caused by loss, disaster, misfortune, etc.; deep sadness.” The word is derived from a Latin verb meaning “to burden.” Mourn is defined as “to feel and express sorrow.” Mourning is the expression of grief.        Grieving is like entering the valley of shadows. Grief is not fun. It is painful. It is work. It is a lingering process, often taking one to three years for significant losses. It is necessary, however, in order to deal with all kinds of loss in a healthy manner. A multitude of emotions are involved in the grief process. Many of these emotions seem to conflict with one another. With loss can come bitterness, emptiness, numbness, apathy, love, guilt, sadness, fear, disorientation, self-pity, and helplessness. When people grieve, they experience their loss psychologically through feelings, thoughts, and attitudes, socially as they interact with others, and physically as it affects their health.         Grief encompasses a number of changes. It appears differently at various times, and it comes and goes in people’s lives. It is a normal, predictable, expected, and healthy reaction to a loss. Grief is each individual’s personal experience and manner of dealing with any kind of loss—no matter how minor or severe it may appear to others.        Grief is not just an event; it is a process. Grief has several stages, although they are not necessarily experienced in exact order, nor does one stage have to be completed before a person moves on to the next stage. The first stage is denial or shock. Intellectually, the bereaved may comprehend what has happened, but their emotions may not experience the pain yet; they may feel numb. The second stage is when they can release their emotions, often in the form of anger toward others. They may even get angry with God. Grieving people become preoccupied with memories of what has been lost and they may withdraw for a time. The third stage involves wrestling with feelings of guilt and anger. They beat themselves up emotionally as they blame themselves for not somehow preventing the loss. They feel disorganized and don’t know how to move on with life. Often some level of depression may set in as they become more apathetic toward life in light of the loss. The fourth stage is acceptance of the loss. Reorganizing their lives, filling new roles, and reconnecting with those around them are all healthy and important facets of the healing process. A key part of this process is the ability to learn how to feel and express the pain more truly without denial and avoidance.         It helps for grieving people to have true friends who will stay with them and support them emotionally. It is important for these friends to allow the grieving person to experience all of the different intense emotions of the grieving process. Such friendships will ultimately help the person who has experienced the loss to reorganize and reconnect with the world.

Biblical Principles

The Bible has much to say about both loss and grief. People who experience loss, as well as those who come alongside them, can gain wisdom to help them through the grieving process.         Psalm 23 tells of God comforting those who walk through the “valley of the shadow of death.” During the darkest hours of mourning, God never abandons His people. Isaiah 53 describes the suffering of our Savior. He experienced loss and grief so that He could understand our humanity and die in our place. He was despised and rejected, “a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. . . . He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed” (Is. 53:3, 5).        Although loss and grief are common, no amount of technology or experience can make the grieving process any easier. The hard news is that the only road to true healing is through the grief process. The good news is that God travels that road with us.

Further Meditation:

Other passages to study about the issue of grief/loss include: 

ã   Ruth 1:5–22

ã   Ecclesiastes 3:4

ã   Isaiah 61:1–3

ã   Jeremiah 31:12, 13

ã   John 14:1; 16:16–22

ã   2 Corinthians 1:3–7

ã   1 Thessalonians 4:13, 14

  To learn more see: The Soul Care Bible: Experiencing and Sharing Hope God’s Way

This article is Copyright © 2001 by the American Association of Christian Counselors

Depression

Greetings.  I trust you are doing well.  I just got back from Washington DC and it's wonderful to be back in our office.

I often receive questions about depression on Xtreme Talk Live so I wanted to share this article with you today.  Please share this with those who are facing depression.

By Michael R. Lyles

(Psalm 130)

At times, everybody feels sad, down, and blue. Solomon wrote of “a time to weep” and “a time to mourn” (Eccl. 3:4). The writer of Hebrews assured believers they would have times of need in their lives (Heb. 4:16).

         Depression, however, is a deeper level of emotional turmoil and can affect many people in many ways. According to research, nearly one person in five will experience significant and persistent levels of depression. Significant and persistent depression causes people to miss more work than diabetes and heart disease, as well as being a major risk factor after heart attacks and strokes. Depression affects individuals, families, coworkers, and others who are in regular contact with the depressed person. Clearly, depression is a serious concern for many people.

Causes of Depression

Depression can be caused by a variety of factors, including stress, fear, loneliness, guilt, and anger. David wrote of his depression caused by unconfessed sin, leading to a groaning in his soul and a loss of strength (Ps. 38). God used depression as a signal to get Nehemiah’s attention to do His work (Neh. 1; 2). Job experienced financial, personal, and relational losses that led him to curse the day he was born (Job 1—3). Elijah was so depressed after a great victory that he wanted to die (1 Kin. 19:4). Many other Bible characters shared the lonely path of depression.        Although environmental issues such as work, stress, family, and other relationships can add to depression, actually a number of medical factors are involved, including thyroid abnormalities, female hormone fluctuations, and diabetes. Nutritional shortages leading to B-12 or iron deficiencies can cause sadness. Patients with a recent history of stroke or heart
attack are at high risk for depression. Common prescription drugs such as anti­hypertensives or oral contraceptives, and recreational drugs such as alcohol and cocaine, can cause significant levels of depression. Abnormalities in the brain’s management of hormones such as serotonin and norepinephrine can also bring on overwhelming feelings of doom and gloom. Understanding the physical components that can cause depression can help to put this disorder in context and give an idea of how widespread it is.

Symptoms of Depression

Psalm 102 provides a virtual checklist of symptoms that King David experienced during a particularly stressful period in his life. “Let my cry come to You. Do not hide Your face from me in the day of my trouble” (102:1, 2). He wrote of feeling stricken physically and described losing meaning and purpose in his life: “My days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned like a hearth. My heart is stricken and withered like grass” (102:3, 4). He lost his appetite: “I forget to eat my bread” (102:4). He felt isolated and rejected: “I am like a pelican of the wilderness; I am like an owl of the desert” (102:6). He couldn’t sleep: “I lie awake” (102:7). He had frequent crying spells: “I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping” (102:9).        Serious depression can present itself in a number of ways. When the above symptoms are experienced in a dramatic, disabling fashion for weeks or months at a time, it is called “major depression.” When these symptoms are low-grade and chronic, it is called “dysthymic disorder.” Depression can also alternate in a pattern of mood swings—with a person feeling irritable and then euphoric, having insomnia, or being agitated. This is called “bipolar disorder” or “manic depressive illness.”

Responding to Depression

Elijah demonstrated both healthy and unhealthy responses to depression (1 Kin. 19). After the great victory on Mount Carmel, his life was threatened and he became afraid. He focused on the situation instead of on God. During a sequence of events, he sank deeper and deeper into a depressed state. His fear became so intense that he eventually ran away, isolated himself, and prayed that he would die (1 Kin. 19:4).         A summary of his behavior can be described as the HALT syndrome—a very vulnerable place for a person to be. At his most depressed state he was:Hungry—He stopped eating.Angry—He was mad at God for not caring about him.Lonely—He left his servant and traveled alone.Tired—He collapsed into sleep.Any time a person experiences an intense combination of these characteristics, he or she is becoming vulnerable to developing some form of depression.

Recovering Hope

God counteracted the HALT syndrome in Elijah’s life at every level. He responded by providing food for Elijah. An angel touched Elijah, reminding him that he was not alone. Two times God encouraged Elijah to regain his strength by eating, drinking, and resting. God brought him out of the HALT syndrome, which enabled Elijah to listen and obey (1 Kin. 19:5–18).         The story of Elijah reminds us of the importance of having a real and personal relationship with God. When we are depressed, we may often feel like running away from our problems like Elijah. We must avoid isolating ourselves, as tempting as that might be. We may need to be accountable to a friend, pastor, family member, or Christian therapist who can help us through the difficult times. Depressed people must be careful to stay clear of addictive behaviors, unhealthy relationships, or socially avoidant behaviors, for these will only deepen a depressed state.         Though he felt hopeless, Elijah accepted God’s help. He recognized God’s voice and was strengthened and encouraged. He was then able to return to his life with a new ability to cope and a new hope for the future.

Further Meditation:

Other passages to study about the issue of depression include: ã   Psalms 27; 34; 40:1–3; 42; 43; 88; 143; 147:3ã   Isaiah 41:10; 43:2ã   Romans 8:18–39ã   2 Corinthians 1:8–11  To learn more see: The Soul Care Bible: Experiencing and Sharing Hope God’s Way

This article is Copyright © 2001 by the American Association of Christian Counselors

Forgiveness

I often receive questions during my weekly talk show Xtreme Talk Live about how to forgive someone.  We have this artical posted on our web site at freeourfamily.com under the Help Topics but I wanted to take a minute and share it with everyone.  Everett Worthington Jr has some great insights that might really help you through the forgiveness process.  I hope this artical is a blessing to you.

God bless,

 

Bill Scott

INFORMATION ABOUT FORGIVENESS

Everett L. Worthington, Jr.

(2 Corinthians 2:5–11)

The concept of forgiveness is as slippery as a greased watermelon in a swimming pool. The harder you squeeze it, the more slippery it becomes. People use the term “forgiveness” loosely and mean different things.

First, what is unforgiveness? Unfor­giveness is a set of delayed emotions that consists of resentment, bitterness, hatred, hostility, anger, and fear. These emotions arise in a person because of a transgression that has wounded them psychologically or physically. Unforgiveness consumes the heart like a cancer. The wounded person responds with hot emotions of anger, and fear of being wounded again. The emotions of anger and fear are not unforgiveness. But when these emotions are continually replayed mentally, the resulting delayed emotions are unforgiveness.

So what is forgiveness? People think of forgiveness as what we do to get rid of unforgiveness. But forgiveness is more than relinquishing judgment to God or simply accepting the hurt and letting it pass. True forgiveness occurs when those cold emotions of unforgiveness are changed to warm, loving, compassionate, caring, altruistic emotions resulting from a heartfelt transformation. Forgiveness is both an act and a process. It could be compared to canceling a debt. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. It takes two to reconcile; it takes only one to forgive.

God’s forgiveness of humans and our forgiveness of one another are different, although related. Both involve an altruistic, emotional response by the forgiver toward another who needs forgiveness. But there’s a difference in the one doing the forgiving. Whereas God has an infinite perspective on us, we do not have that same perspective on others. God knows our hearts and motives, so He can legitimately demand our repentance prior to forgiving. Humans, however, cannot demand repentance before granting forgiveness.

The Example in Matthew 18

Matthew 18 gives clear teaching about forgiveness. Jesus described divine forgiveness and love in the parable of the lost sheep. He encouraged reconciliation and said that forgiveness should be unlimited. He then told the parable of the unforgiving servant, tying together God’s forgiveness of us with our forgiveness of others (Matt. 18:21–35).

Forgiveness is often thought of as a Christian duty. Forgiveness can rarely be achieved when practiced as a duty, however. The positive, loving emotions of forgiveness that replace the delayed emotions of unforgiveness rarely flow from willful duty. Instead, they flow from a heart that is transformed by having experienced God’s love and forgiveness (Eph. 4:31, 32).

How to Forgive

There are many ways to forgive a person who has harmed us, any one of which can be effective. In soul care, we should attempt to help people experience empathy for the person who harmed them, humility about their own sinfulness, and gratitude over having themselves been forgiven by God and by others.

Helping people experience forgiving emotions is not easy and requires time. I use a five-step acrostic to help people experience forgiveness, which I call the Pyramid Model to REACH forgiveness:

R = Recall the hurt. To heal, you must not deny that you have been hurt or offended. However, you should not recall the hurt in whiny victimization or as finger-pointing blame. Instead, you should recall the hurt calmly and try to remember objectively what happened.

E = Empathize with the person who hurt you. Empathy means attempting to understand what the transgressor might have been going through. It helps to attempt to feel with the person who caused the hurt.

A = Give an Altruistic gift of forgiveness. Try to recall a time when you harmed someone who later forgave you. Remember specifically what happened and how you received the offer of forgiveness. Then you can more easily envision yourself giving that gift back to another.

C = Commit publicly to forgive. You can truly forgive in your heart, but you might doubt that forgiveness if you recall the incident and re-experience some of the hot emotions. By speaking aloud or writing down your forgiveness, by telling a trusted friend, or, in some cases, by writing a follow-up letter to the person who harmed you, you can solidify the act of forgiveness.

H = Hold on to forgiveness. When you doubt whether the forgiveness was real, you can hold onto the forgiveness by remembering that there is a difference between remembering the event and experiencing the cold emotions.

For help in experiencing and granting forgiveness, we might need to talk with the person who hurt us about the transgression and forgiveness. We must make a reproach, or request for an explanation. A reproach must not be made harshly, however, but gently.

The transgressor responds with an account. Accounts can be denials, excuses, or confessions. A confession should be followed by a sincere apology, statement of an intent not to transgress in the same way again, an offer of restitution, and a request for forgiveness.

We must decide whether we can experience the emotions that lead to the changed heart of forgiveness. Forgiving cannot be summoned at will; therefore, often when we are asked to forgive, it will take time to experience the new emotions.

Talking about forgiveness is often a major step on the way to reconciliation between two parties who have had a trust broken. Parties must decide whether they can reconcile and if so, how to work this process. For reconciliation to be complete, however, both parties need to reverse the damage that was done in the relationship, decide to give each other mercy at an occasional failure, and take active steps to build love in their relationship by valuing each other.

Further Meditation:

Other passages to study about the issue of forgiveness include:

Jeremiah 31:34; 33:8, Micah 7:18, 19, Matthew 6:12, Mark 11:25, 26 Luke 6:37; 17:3; 23:34, John 8:1–11 Romans 12:19,  1 John 1:9.  To learn more see: The Soul Care Bible: Experiencing and Sharing Hope God’s Way

This article is Copyright © 2001 by the American Association of Christian Counselors

Greetings from North Carolina

It's hot.  Did I mention that it is very hot.  Did I mention it's really very hot here in North Carolina.  Today we were hitting close to 100 degrees and I think 500 percent humidity.

If you get a chance please pray about my new book, "The Day Satan Called."  We have two really BIG publishers that want the book.  We have hit a legal challenge and I am not sure what to think about it.  We need to get pass this as quick as possible.  Pray for God's guidance and wisdom so we make it to the other side.  This book needs to be read by many.  I believe it will be a life changing book for many.

Thank you so much for the prayers this week.  Where ever you are, try to stay cool.

Bill Scott

Back in the office

It's great to be back at the Xtreme Youth Alliance office.  The first half of the years was like trains, planes and automobiles.  The weather is warm, Nashville is green and it's time to cook up some steaks on the grill.


I love being home, it's my favorite place in the whole wide world.  Next week there might be a chance for a quick vacation, that would rock my world.

I hope your summer is going well.  Stay warm and enjoy the sun.

Bill Scott

Greetings from New York City, NY

Greetings from the Big Apple.  The skyline of New York City is beautiful as always.  Keep in mind I am a country boy and would never, never want to live in a big city but it's nice to view from a distance.

The traffic from JFK to the hotel yesterday was amazing.  I am always blown away when I travel to Los Angeles and New York.  I am not sure how people live in this kind of traffic daily.  Many people drive one to two hours each way to work on a daily basis.  I praise God my commute to the Xtreme office is only ten minutes with no traffic.

I am working on the finishing touches to my book, "The Day Satan Called."  I am really excited to see how this project is turning out.  My agent will be contacting publishers to see who will actually sign on to publish the book.  Pray for us as we make all the final adjustments to the book.  My prayer is it will be a powerful story.

Thanks for coming back to stay in touch.

Sleepless in Denver...Really!

Yep, it happened again within a week and this time it's worse.  Last Friday I got stuck in Dallas for 24 hours but praise God was able to find a hotel to crash in.  This morning I write to you from the Denver airport where I'll be spending the night.  Uhmmm where to sleep when the airport is all yours LOL.

It's going to be a long night.  Be the time I am done traveling it will have taken 24 hours to get to Boise ID.  I could have made a bake potato at home, what the heck!

God bless,

Bill Scott