Forgiveness

I often receive questions during my weekly talk show Xtreme Talk Live about how to forgive someone.  We have this artical posted on our web site at freeourfamily.com under the Help Topics but I wanted to take a minute and share it with everyone.  Everett Worthington Jr has some great insights that might really help you through the forgiveness process.  I hope this artical is a blessing to you.

God bless,

 

Bill Scott

INFORMATION ABOUT FORGIVENESS

Everett L. Worthington, Jr.

(2 Corinthians 2:5–11)

The concept of forgiveness is as slippery as a greased watermelon in a swimming pool. The harder you squeeze it, the more slippery it becomes. People use the term “forgiveness” loosely and mean different things.

First, what is unforgiveness? Unfor­giveness is a set of delayed emotions that consists of resentment, bitterness, hatred, hostility, anger, and fear. These emotions arise in a person because of a transgression that has wounded them psychologically or physically. Unforgiveness consumes the heart like a cancer. The wounded person responds with hot emotions of anger, and fear of being wounded again. The emotions of anger and fear are not unforgiveness. But when these emotions are continually replayed mentally, the resulting delayed emotions are unforgiveness.

So what is forgiveness? People think of forgiveness as what we do to get rid of unforgiveness. But forgiveness is more than relinquishing judgment to God or simply accepting the hurt and letting it pass. True forgiveness occurs when those cold emotions of unforgiveness are changed to warm, loving, compassionate, caring, altruistic emotions resulting from a heartfelt transformation. Forgiveness is both an act and a process. It could be compared to canceling a debt. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. It takes two to reconcile; it takes only one to forgive.

God’s forgiveness of humans and our forgiveness of one another are different, although related. Both involve an altruistic, emotional response by the forgiver toward another who needs forgiveness. But there’s a difference in the one doing the forgiving. Whereas God has an infinite perspective on us, we do not have that same perspective on others. God knows our hearts and motives, so He can legitimately demand our repentance prior to forgiving. Humans, however, cannot demand repentance before granting forgiveness.

The Example in Matthew 18

Matthew 18 gives clear teaching about forgiveness. Jesus described divine forgiveness and love in the parable of the lost sheep. He encouraged reconciliation and said that forgiveness should be unlimited. He then told the parable of the unforgiving servant, tying together God’s forgiveness of us with our forgiveness of others (Matt. 18:21–35).

Forgiveness is often thought of as a Christian duty. Forgiveness can rarely be achieved when practiced as a duty, however. The positive, loving emotions of forgiveness that replace the delayed emotions of unforgiveness rarely flow from willful duty. Instead, they flow from a heart that is transformed by having experienced God’s love and forgiveness (Eph. 4:31, 32).

How to Forgive

There are many ways to forgive a person who has harmed us, any one of which can be effective. In soul care, we should attempt to help people experience empathy for the person who harmed them, humility about their own sinfulness, and gratitude over having themselves been forgiven by God and by others.

Helping people experience forgiving emotions is not easy and requires time. I use a five-step acrostic to help people experience forgiveness, which I call the Pyramid Model to REACH forgiveness:

R = Recall the hurt. To heal, you must not deny that you have been hurt or offended. However, you should not recall the hurt in whiny victimization or as finger-pointing blame. Instead, you should recall the hurt calmly and try to remember objectively what happened.

E = Empathize with the person who hurt you. Empathy means attempting to understand what the transgressor might have been going through. It helps to attempt to feel with the person who caused the hurt.

A = Give an Altruistic gift of forgiveness. Try to recall a time when you harmed someone who later forgave you. Remember specifically what happened and how you received the offer of forgiveness. Then you can more easily envision yourself giving that gift back to another.

C = Commit publicly to forgive. You can truly forgive in your heart, but you might doubt that forgiveness if you recall the incident and re-experience some of the hot emotions. By speaking aloud or writing down your forgiveness, by telling a trusted friend, or, in some cases, by writing a follow-up letter to the person who harmed you, you can solidify the act of forgiveness.

H = Hold on to forgiveness. When you doubt whether the forgiveness was real, you can hold onto the forgiveness by remembering that there is a difference between remembering the event and experiencing the cold emotions.

For help in experiencing and granting forgiveness, we might need to talk with the person who hurt us about the transgression and forgiveness. We must make a reproach, or request for an explanation. A reproach must not be made harshly, however, but gently.

The transgressor responds with an account. Accounts can be denials, excuses, or confessions. A confession should be followed by a sincere apology, statement of an intent not to transgress in the same way again, an offer of restitution, and a request for forgiveness.

We must decide whether we can experience the emotions that lead to the changed heart of forgiveness. Forgiving cannot be summoned at will; therefore, often when we are asked to forgive, it will take time to experience the new emotions.

Talking about forgiveness is often a major step on the way to reconciliation between two parties who have had a trust broken. Parties must decide whether they can reconcile and if so, how to work this process. For reconciliation to be complete, however, both parties need to reverse the damage that was done in the relationship, decide to give each other mercy at an occasional failure, and take active steps to build love in their relationship by valuing each other.

Further Meditation:

Other passages to study about the issue of forgiveness include:

Jeremiah 31:34; 33:8, Micah 7:18, 19, Matthew 6:12, Mark 11:25, 26 Luke 6:37; 17:3; 23:34, John 8:1–11 Romans 12:19,  1 John 1:9.  To learn more see: The Soul Care Bible: Experiencing and Sharing Hope God’s Way

This article is Copyright © 2001 by the American Association of Christian Counselors